SunnyGoddess

Love of the lotus!!

2010-05-07T16:16:00.001-07:00

Every day I see the lotus in so many places - mostly in my heart as it opens wider - each yoga move becomes the opening of the lotus blossom into LIFE!

Loving rain..............

2009-09-05T15:49:00.000-07:00

September rain - after a long, hot summer..........welcome with gratitude

Summer

2009-06-15T18:17:00.000-07:00

Blessings as we approach summer solstice...............with deep love!!!! for our MOTHER EARTH!

Happy Birthday Gary Snyder - 79 is YOUNG!!!!

2009-05-08T10:38:00.000-07:00

......... and thanks for all of the lovely poems and your direction for these many years!!!!!!!!!!!!

Turning of the times..................

2009-05-05T12:16:00.000-07:00

Time to conjure up all that is good within each of us...........

Happy 100th Birthday Grannie!

2009-02-24T20:52:00.001-08:00

That's my Grannie on the far right - taking my Mom (on her right) to do the town in San Francisco.

The woman wearing the hat - Grannie's first cousin Mannie - one of her best friends and co-conspirators!

I'm lucky to have known all three of these women AND, Mannie's grand-daughter Barb & I hiked the Chilkoot Trail in Alaska, August 2008. We toasted our Grannies at the Summit - drank Crown Royale and said we'd always plan to do this on our great hikes.

It's good to know where I come from - these are good women, strong women, competent women who took the world by the balls and asked for names later.

The last time I saw Mikey.......................

2008-11-23T14:06:00.000-08:00

was just about this time of year two years ago. He usually went to Spokane for Thanksgiving and that year his Mom was on a cruise so he was sticking around Seattle.

He had sent an e-mail copied to me intended for Frank, his "shrink". It was insightful, rambling, crazy and funny - all aspects of Mikey. He had stated that Frank and I were the only people who had ever said "I am proud of you", that he loved me beyond measure but that we just couldn't be together. He talked about his present/sometimes girlfriend and that he was trying to be compassionate with her and would, in fact, fund her psychotherapy.

Mikey also talked about his brother Carl who he loved as well - how he was going to set Carl up financially so that he would not have to work so hard. How Carl had comforted him after the beatings he'd received from his Dad.

So what could I do except call him to let him know that I still loved him too!? We had talked several times during the past several years. I had walked into the main lodge at Breitenbush many years back and ran into Peter, his best friend. Peter told me that Mikey had been looking for me - so of course, I got in touch with him again.

Ultimately, Mikey was there to take me to breakfast the morning that my brother went in for prostate cancer surgery - and for the years that followed, he always asked how Jeff was doing. He had worked as an exceptional nurse as a way to "pay back" the lives he had taken during two tours in VietNam. He cultivated compassion but still had that streak of revenge that ended more as words than deeds.

I met him at the insistance of a mutual friend - we met for coffee at Alki Beach and he was sweating bullets by the time we parted company. In fact, he asked if we could cut our time short since he wasn't feeling well - very straightforward! Later we had our real "first date" - a lovely dinner (I even wore a dress!) with lots of conversation - hilarity - and ultimately we fell deeply in love.... don't get me wrong, it didn't happen just that night!

Over time we would rollerblade together - hike in the Cascades and I would have to shake him down to make sure the little tree frogs he had carried around in his shirt pocket were left behind. We made a mad dash to Mt. St. Helen's to target practice with his semi-automatic gun and I laughed like a maniac when we almost got busted.

Movies weren't much fun with Mikey - it was the one place where he could sent aside his "hypervigilance" and he would invariably sleep the entire film. Road trips usually meant that I would drive and many times I would wipe Mikey's drool from his seatbelt before waking him up to let him know that we were home.

One night (in 1997!) we went to see "The Apostle" - it's an amazing movie with Robert Duvall as a preacher - a shocking opening scene with a car accident. As we left the movie theatre on a very dark and rainy Seattle night - we come upon a car accident and are the first responders. BOTH of us leaped into action - tending to the injured folks and once we got back into the car decided that we would be VERY PICKY about which movies we were going to see and laughed that we should pick one where loads of money comes to two nurses who are very helpful.

Mikey's 50th Birthday was a great and fun surprise - his Mom and I planned it and fooled him the whole time! He would comment about that particular birthday as being his absolute best one ever. I'm glad for that - glad for him - glad to have had him in my life and to have given as well as received great love.

Our time togther ended just after I put him in the Seattle VA Hospital for treatment of his PTSD, alcohol and morphine addiciton. I could never figure out why we could only be gone on a trip for 3 days and he would need to be back home - once that came to light and he got into the VA system, the distance between us grew. When I'm honest, I can say that I resented the fact that he was really disabled - he ultimately was given 100% "free money" as he used to call it.

My first visit at the VA was one for the record book - I cleared the entire waiting room of every Vet with my big ass pissed off attitude and demanded that they stop all of the medications and actually treat Mikey. We would laugh about that incident for years and years! Little 5 foot 2 inch Bonnie leveling a floor of the hospital. We stuck together through that time and the bumpy parts of the journey became more than either of us was up for.

My own PTSD would be activated by his issues and frankly, there was no "active treatment" for mine. I'm convinced that any woman who lived through the 60's had her own version of bucking the system of the misogynistic "boss men" we had to answer to. (I did turn one in finally - once I found my voice and I haven't stopped since!).

Years later, Mikey arrived at my door after a Zen Buddhist retreat here in Oregon. We laughed and danced and he played Van Morrison's "Someone Like You" and we both cried when he told me it was my song. He took photos (I've never seen them) and we laughed a lot more and danced and he told me how he had found joy again - through dancing and that he had remembered how much fun that was for him.

So the night that I called Mikey about the e-mail - around this time of year two years ago, he was on his way out to dance. . . . . and that would be our last conversation - he chiding me about being "bunkered up" with my heart and praising me for the gracious way that I dumped my last boyfriend (politely asking him to leave and take the fucking peanut butter cookie with him) and told me that he was going to go have fun.

I get to have that memory forever - - it was strange to not get a Christmas card but when his birthday rolled around in May and my e-mails bounced back to his various accounts and when the phone was disconnected, I realized that something was terribly wrong. Indeed, that night Mikey had been "taken down" by a couple of jealous guys - he had danced with the "wrong woman". He didn't die right away and lived for 3-4 months - I'm glad I didn't see him during that time and get to have these memories.

So my point here (if other than to finally write of this) is - Mikey gave me such a hard time about my Buddha statue collection. Right after I found out about his death, I found a Buddha that really is the representation of Mikey. I kept it inside my house for a full year and finally placed it in the garden.

Just recently I found a website about "Gardens of Forgiveness" and am called to cultivate one for Mikey - for me. I'll post more as this evolves and include photos. This is reaching in and touching a deep wound that can only heal deeply with compassion and love.

To all of you readers - I send healing love to any places within you that need healing too.

Namaste
Bonnie

Uncle Ram Dass' Moving Words

2008-10-12T18:14:00.000-07:00

What a great event earlier this afternoon!

"Uncle" Ram Dass held an online presentation and of course, he provided us with an insight about our present situation......

I am reminded of how in previous times (but also familiar!), he had a photo of Casper Weinberger on his home altar to keep generating love in the face of all of the fear, hatred, negativity going on in the world.

Today he tells us that it is up to each of us individually to stop this illusion of lack, missing trillions of dollars, seperation from each other. He reminds us that when he keep our hearts mindful, we cultivate awareness of freedom and spaciousness. That each of us have wisdom, compassion and peace in our souls.

"Peace for us comes from the heart. If you consider yourself at the center and tun into the peach within, you are a peaceful person. Peaceful citizens elect peaceful officials. Our President's responsibility is to stop the fear".

"You have a responsibility to bring your gift to other human beings. Your gift is to go in, and in, and in to come to a place of peace. It's all in us - all wisdom, all peace, all love, all compassion. It's in everyone of us."

"Maybe you could start a space in your house - a puja table - a quiet space where you can take one hour before you start your dance in the world - in that place, remind yourself of the peace within you. Take that and spread it to your family, your friends, your pets. This will grow from one citizen to another and soon citizens are peaceful. Soon the LEADERS are peaceful and you did it!"

Ram Dass recommends, besides meditation to - not take everything so personally, to forgive and forget, give up jealousy, accept the now and don't try to change what is. Generate the feeling that the whole world is my family. Generate that I love the whole world. Cultivate calmness and tranquility.

Dig deep for peace - it will shine through you and this is the light that the world can surely use.

Namaste

Alaska Dream House

2008-09-19T12:30:00.001-07:00

I had the great opportunity to hike the Chilkoot Trail in Alaska/Yukon Territory this summer.

Here's a house along the trail (in the Yukon). If you note the size of the door, only those of us of smaller size could fit in!

BUT then, I'm not one who "fits in" anywhere!!

More stories to follow.............suffice, it was amazing and will live to be one of my greatest trips ever!

Latest passion and tools for relaxation.

2008-02-08T13:56:00.000-08:00

Busted!

I'm now enjoying time at the knitting needles (thanks Kathleen!!!).

My good friend Kathleen Tate taught me how to knit, how to purl, how to knit two together, how to yarn over and there you have it! I have found a great way to relax and rewind life. My initial projects drove my Mom crazy at Thanksgiving since I didn't know how to cast on. I would knit until I made a mistake and then ask her to cast on........ a very zen way to start knitting! All about the process rather than the result and mix in some great ways to imagine away the time and relax my brain.

Today I had the oil changed in my car at my favorite Volvo place and one of the other patrons had the nerve to try to engage me in conversation whilst I was knitting. Mind you, 8 am on a rainy and cold Oregon day is not the finest time to chit chat. (those of you who know my work understand my deep need for quiet and space). I enjoy the type of knitting that requires focus, attention, counting and breathing.............the other patron couldn't seem to see what I needed and instead blathered on about how she saw a coyote this morning (what the hell! We had one come knock on our door!).......how cold it is...........how isn't this just the right place to enjoy peace and quiet........

I stayed quiet...........silently knitting...........lifting up my project to show her...........never uttering a word...........

I'm sure she thinks I'm a mute

That's ok

I am sometimes and that's just right for me!

New Year

2008-01-01T21:34:00.000-08:00

And a Happy New Year to all!

What a wonderous year and lovely way to enjoy the start of 2008 - with an old friend - eating fresh Dungeness crab (it's amazing that I can STILL stomach any of that) - parmesan oysters and grilled salmon. Great thanks and blessings to the sea creatures who fed us so well!

My thoughts regarding the holiday season have been both reflective and raging (you wouldn't expect anything less than that?!) Raging over the same-old-good-old-boy network politics that have brought this country (and the good people who live here) to the brink of disaster among our fellow citizens in the world. I'm counting the days until we can claim our country back - I for one, can't wait for the next swing of the pendulum.

Time spent with good friends this year has been rich beyond belief. No one is sitting still, sitting on their hands, biding their time. Everyone is elbow deep in the stuff of life and mostly facing it with the real grit and guts required to live in this time. I have spent time with friends on their way down the aisle and others who are exiting marriages/relationships/careers. Times they are a changing....and yet, on my way to the grocery store the radio is blasting out "Radar Love" (sorry to have freaked out Jack Estes with my special project on bikers using this song for background with my photos/interviews...... circa 1977). Fact of the matter is - you can find video of Golden Earring on YouTube............. but I digress.............. (I am beginning to see that time really is illusion!) and my younger brother AND his wife are both bikers now - what's up with that?????????????

Thoughts on the first day of 2008..............life is short - do it now and forget about being sensible, sane or even practical. Tell me what you plan to do.

My friend Ann is turning 50 this year and her 3 daughters and their cousins are putting forth a proposal for "AB FEST"..........you heard it - a festival of abs and those crazy women are working their bellies to create un natural six pack abs........I'll be bringing along my luscious 56 year old woman / yogini abs which will likely stay covered.

What do you think?

Farewell Kurt Vonnegut

2007-04-12T15:51:00.000-07:00

How do we say farewell to such a lovely/lively character of this generation? I love this photo sent around today (thanks to Shannon O'Tudi for turning me on to this one!)

It seems now that he joins the ranks of Hunter S. Thompson - I can only imagine the hell they will be raising together from the "other side" - wherever that is!

I found this today too - Vonnegut's last book( in 2005) was a collection of biographical essays, "A Man Without a Country."

In concludes with a poem called "Requiem," with these closing lines:

When the last living thing

has died on account of us,

how poetical it would be

if Earth could say,

in a voice floating up

perhaps

from the floor

of the Grand Canyon,

"It is done."

People did not like it here.

** Farewell Mr. Vonnegut**

Karma Points for Everyone!

2007-04-05T12:33:00.000-07:00

Here's for each of us - just print this and pass it along!!!! Lord knows, we all need extra credit in this life!
I just happened to love this one!!!!!!!!!

I could not have said it better!

2007-02-24T12:01:00.000-08:00

I found this yesterday and burst out laughing wanting to send it to all of my best girlfriends. Many of you have/are facing life-threatening illness/treatments, recovering from life-threatining illness/treatments, relationships, marriages, kids, careers, education and just the plain old wear and tear of living in this world right now.

This sums it up - this is the "pull yerself up by yer bootstraps and get over it". There is no self-help book, class, DVD, drug or drink that can take the place of well-placed lipstick or just a good joke with the good women who walk this world today. I am blessed beyond measure to know a whole world full of women who are standing tall with integrity and grace.

I commend all of you who have touched my life!

My friend Peter tells me that he just CAN'T resist kissing a woman wearing fresh lipstick - it took me a couple of attempts to get out the door before I figured this one out and decided that the only way to get him to the airport was to NOT wear lipstick!

Yeh - this is a bit on the "light" side but I'm ready for the sun and some of those lovely bulbs to burst through the rotting leaves to be a bright color in the midst of the gray!

Thoughts - ending up with my Cousin Dave!

2007-01-09T12:50:00.000-08:00

Free for all over the year.................

It's been quite a year. I know, everyone has their own favorites and we have now sifted through all of those cheery "here's what we did this year, please envy us" Holiday letters. I really miss the ones my cousin Dave used to send out - filled with reality and mostly fictional but with enough substance to read between the lines and detect a sentimental moment or one that really pissed him off. He counts as one of my great heros in life. Dave had a very traumatic birth that left him with a mild form of cerebral palsy. Fortune not only gave him this circumstance, it also provided him with the parents and resources as well as personality to manage his "disability".

One of my favorite childhood memories was watching Dave move from wall to wall at our Grandma Robb's house. He had been taught to stabilize his left hand by leaning into the wall and hold the bottom of his coat zipper while using his right hand (the "more good" hand) to line up the zipper and pull it up. As usual, there was a big commotion with everyone getting ready to head out the door. Dave went to a wall, attempted to zip his coat - unable to accomplish this, he went to another wall, then another and another before he finally bellered out" Grandma, none of your walls work!"

A defining moment and only one of many to dance through this fine human beings' life. We were neighbors when he entered Junior High (in my mind, the cruelest stage of life). Up until that time, Dave was no different than anyone else. You guessed it, those nasty pre-teen and teenagers made his life a misery and he went through a period of time as "other". To me, his unique perspective on the world and his infectious sense of humor made him one of the most remarkable people in my life. His older brother and sister were braniacs, handsome and beautiful, successful and they both moved through the world with such grace and ease leaving barely a wake, if I may resort to such nautical terms.

Dave - while riding Duke, our mutual cousin Judy's BIG horse and getting thrown ALMOST off only to be dragged down the beach with his foot stuck in the stirrup (personally, bare back is the only way to ride!). Extracting him off Duke was no small task but he was relentless in his passion for life. I most happily managed to embarrass him at his Senior Homecoming at the 3 Crabs Restaurant by dressing up as an old woman and "crashing" the dinner by sitting on his lap. He, ever the good sport and embracing the "turn about is fair play" rule, would crash my parties dressed as a baby, complete with bonnet and stuffed into a box with a bottle and in search of wine. (Visualize this - Dave's 6 foot 3 inch body stuffed in a box!!!)

Dave - home from college when Aunt Bonnie and Uncle Doug weren't home and needing to talk to me about some very personal issues and afraid and sure that I could help "change" him. I wouldn't change a thing about him!

Today, Dave lives down at the beach again where we spent so many wild and crazy times (Shannon's inflatable canoe- dressing up Pete and Jane's golden lab in men's clothing - my impersonation of Patti Lovelle (sorry Patti! you were too easy to pull off, however!). I always say that I'll stop by to see him and never seem to find the time.

For Dave - what a hero! In reading this, it sounds like I've written his eulogy and I wonder if maybe these types of praises should be shared along the way rather than waiting until we are long gone. I wonder too, how much of our goodness are we able to absorb and take in?

John Lennon - Yoko's request - December 8th

2006-12-01T14:16:00.000-08:00

December 8th is approaching and Yoko Ono had posted this in the New York Times, November 26, 2006. As always, her words are eloquent - the drawing was included - all credit to John and Yoko.

"FORGIVE US"

"December 8th is near again. Every year, on this day, I hear from may people from all over the world who would remember my husband, John Lennon, and his message of peace. They write to tell me they are thinking of John on this day and how he was shot and killed at the prime of his life, at age 40, when he had so much life ahead of him.

"Thank you for your undying love for John and also for your concern for me on this tragic anniversary. This year, though, on December 8th, while we remember John, I would also like us to focus on sending the following messages to the millions of people suffering around the world:

To the people who have also lost loved ones, without cause: forgive us for having been unable to stop the tragedy. We pray for the wounds to heal.

To the soldiers of all countries and of all centuries, who were maimed for life, or who lost their lives: forgive us for our misjudgments and what happened as a result of them.

To the civilians who were maimed, or killed, or who lost their family members: forgive us for having been unable to prevent it.

To the people who have been abused and tortured: forgive us for having allowed it to happen.

Know that your loss is our loss.
Know that the physical and mental abuse you have endured will have a lingering effect on our society, and the world.
Know that the burden is ours.

As the widow of one who was killed by an act of violence, I don't know if I am ready yet to forgive the one who pulled the trigger. I am sure all victims of violent crimes feel as I do. But healing is what is urgently needed now in the world.

Let's heal the wounds together.

Every year, let's make December 8th the day to ask for forgiveness from those who suffered the insufferable.
Let's wish strongly that one day we will be able to say that we healed ourselves, and by healing ourselves, we healed the world.

With deepest love,
Yoko Ono Lennon
New York City 2006 "

Buddha - Thailand 1995

2006-11-18T13:29:00.000-08:00

Walking through ruins in the midst of this lovely land in 1995, I am shocked to find this beautiful statue of Buddha. My friend and I have just spent 3 weeks hiking the Himalayas and find ourselves in tears over running water and sit down toilets.

Lessons learned along that walk:

You need very little to really survive (headlamp, toilet paper and a general direction of where the bathroom is)
We have so much more than any other population in the world
Walking is a good way to get empty
Once empty, all that arises is just the mind
Mind can become very loud
Silence can be very loud
I could survive without my daily dose of media (even NPR!)
Don't be afraid of mystery
Stay on the mountain side of the trail when you hear the tinkle of bells (it means there are water buffalo/goats/horses coming down the trail and you REALLY want to be upside from them, elsewhile you will fall, fall, fall off the mountain)
Life really is good

I spent more time up on Mt. Rainer after coming back to the US that year. It took a long time to come back and I'm sure that many parts of me are still left behind there.

The Morning After

2006-11-08T14:33:00.000-08:00

Oh what a night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

These past few weeks have been reminiscent of the "good old days" of working our butts off for NO OILPORT and stopping the nuclear power plant from getting built on the Miller Peninsula.

My political activism had been put on hold as an act of recovery from the 2000 election. Many of us starting looking longingly to the north - sporting Canadian accents (eh!) and wondering if we could handle the extreme winters of the far north. 2004 rolled us over and in just a short two years' time I found some ancient glimpse of the world that I was raised to believe in.

This election year found me working on behalf of my Congresswoman, Darlene Hooley. I spent time in her headquarters phoning voters, getting inspired and even had the chance to meet Darlene. (IF you have a chance to see her on The Colbert Report - find it! Her interview was hysterical).

My next calling was to the physical offices of MoveOn.Org in downtown Portland. I was fortunate enough to live within 30 miles of the office and received "the call" to come in and make the calls to get voters to call other voters. The experience was one of a true "time travel" with palpable commitment and energy with the staffers there. I am forever optimistic about a future with these youngins at the helm! I met smart and savvy 20 somethings who fearlessly stepped forward to get this off the ground. MoveOn.Org picked up where the Democratic Party dropped the ball and mobilized people - people to people. The highlight for me was to spend a Friday night at the MoveOn.Org headquarters with my 16 year old neighbor girl - remember folks, SHE will be voting in the next Presidential election!!

As the election closed in, my next "assignment" was to serve as an Election Observer at the Office of the Clackamas County Clerk - Elections Office over in Gladstone. Each party is allowed two observers at two stations in the building. I spent Friday observing the processing of ballots - and could not IMAGINE how labor intensive this is!! (Oregon votes ONLY by mail!) Then last night - election night - I was the Democratic observer of the signature verification as well as the management of citizens who walked in with ballot problems. One of the highlights of the evening was watching a very young couple complete their ballot - referencing back and forth with the voter pamphlet, considering the issues and then casting their ballots. Democracy in action (at least, my interpretation!!). As the polls were ready to close, who rolls in but the Republican attorney's - complete with their fat cat suits and briefcases. (One of my best friends is a Democratic attorney and you would never know since she is an "understated" dresser!). I felt proud and strong to be holding the position of Democrat with those slimy bastards around me!

Since we were in the elections office, we didn't have any information about how the national or local race was turning out. What sweet victories out there for Americans!!! We can only hope that the message was sent, delivered, received by the President that we are fed up with his arrogance and fat cat policies.

Stay tuned - there's so much more to come out of this regime change!!!

Not that I'm superstitious - I'm still pursuing my Irish Citizenship since traveling on an Irish passport continues to be more appealing!!

This past week......

2006-09-19T15:51:00.000-07:00

What an amazing week spent with the Dalai Lama! I had signed up for this many months back knowing that it would be the perfect birthday gift to myself.

I had first "awared" the Dalai Lama when I was very young and have always felt an affinity to the people of Tibet and the neighboring regions. He was in Portland in May, 2001 and the crowds to see him were tremendous.

Our gathering this past week was an intense teaching on Arya Nagarjuna's "Commentary On the Awakening Mind". His teachings are known for becoming the foundation of a school of Buddhist thought known as the the Madhyamaka or Middle Way School. Nagarjuna also taught methods for developing compassion and bodhicitta.

We spent our mornings and afternoons reading the texts, listening to His Holiness' teachings of these ancient texts. When I first read the schedule I thought, goodness, that's only 4 hours per day of study........ after the first day, I was so glad it was only 2-3 hours at a time!! I have come to love these teachings and to only slightly understand the profound dimensions involved with Buddhist thoughts.

I also realize how much more I have to learn!!!

His Holiness will be back in California in April for more teaching and I will plan to attend/learn as much as I can from him directly. He is not only the spiritual leader of the Tibetian Buddhism, he is a scholar and scientiest!

Grannie & Me

2006-09-09T17:00:00.000-07:00

Sometime you just have to be there to get what the big joke was.

We laughed ourselves silly - my mask became a great way to scare all of the kids and to play a joke on my cousin Dave at his Senior Homecoming Dinner.

How to hang on

2006-08-30T21:55:00.000-07:00

How to hang on..................

Weather Changes finally and breath comes easy as that time when you reached back and touched my inner thigh while riding along at 80 miles an hour.

There's something beyond erotic after a day of motorcycle riding with just the hint of dusk and the cool promise of what is to come.

Beach air smooths the way to skin, to touch and to the easy way we dream each other's dreams.
Weather Changes
We Change

Perfect Moment

2006-03-23T19:07:00.000-08:00

Prayer for You I'm happy to announce that this is a perfect moment. It's a perfect moment for many reasons, but especially because I have been inspired to say a gigantic prayer for all of you. I've been roused to unleash a divinely greedy, apocalyptically healing prayer for each and every one of you -- even those of you who don't believe in the power of prayer. And so I am starting to pray right now to the God of Gods ... the God beyond all Gods ... the Girlfriend of God ... the Teacher of God ... the Goddess who invented God.

Dear Goddess, You who never kill but only change: I pray that my exuberant, suave and accidental words will move you to shower ferocious blessings down on everyone who reads this benediction. I pray that you will give them what they don't even know they want -- not just the boons they think they need but everything they've always been afraid to even imagine or ask for.

Dear Goddess, You wealthy anarchist burning heaven to the ground: Many of the divine chameleons out there don't even know that their souls will live forever. So please use your blinding magic to help them see that they are all wildly creative geniuses too big for their own personalities. Guide them to realize that they are all completely different from what they think they are and more exciting than they can possibly imagine. Make it illegal, immoral, irrelevant, unpatriotic and totally tasteless for them to be in love with anyone or anything that's no good for them.

O Goddess, You who give us so much love and pain mixed together that our morality is always on the verge of collapsing: I beg you to cast a huge-assed love spell that will nullify all the dumb ideas, bad decisions and nasty conditioning that have ever cursed the wise and sexy virtuosos out there. Remove, banish, annihilate and laugh into oblivion any jinx that has clung to them, no matter how long they've suffered from it, and even if they've become accustomed or addicted to its ugly companionship. And please conjure an aura of protection around them so that they will receive an early warning if they are ever about to act in such a way as to bring another hex or plague or voodoo into their lives in the future.

Dear Goddess, sweet Goddess, You sly universal beautiful woman.... Arouse the Wild Woman within them -- even if they're men. And please give them bigger, better, more original sins and wilder, more interesting problems.

Dear Goddess, I pray that you will inspire all the compassionate rascals communing with this prayer to love their enemies just in case their friends turn out to be jerks. Provoke them to throw away or give away all the things they own that encourage them to believe that they are better than anyone else. Show them how much fun it is to brag about what they cannot do and do not have.

Most of all, Goddess, brainwash them with your freedom so that they never love their own pain more than anyone else's pain.

Dear Goddess, You psychedelic mushroom cloud at the center of all our brains: The curiously divine human beings reading this prayer deserve everything they are yearning for and much, much more. So please bless them with lucid dreams while they are wide awake and vacuum cleaners for their magic carpets and a knack for avoiding other people's hells and their very own 900 number so that everyone has to pay to talk to them and a secret admirer who is not a psychotic stalker.

Dear Goddess, You fiercely tender, hauntingly reassuring, orgiastically sacred feeling that is even now running through all of our soft, warm animal bodies: I pray that you provide everyone out there with a license to bend and even break all rules, laws and traditions that keep them apart from the things they love. Show them how to purge the wishy-washy wishes that distract them from their daring, dramatic, divine desires. And teach them that they can have anything they want if they'll only ask for it in an unselfish way.

And now dear God of Gods, God beyond all Gods, Girlfriend of God, Teacher of God, Goddess who invented God, I bring this prayer to a close, trusting that in these mysterious moments you have begun to change everyone out there in the exact way they've needed to change in order to express their soul's code. Amen. Awomen. And glory halle-friggin-lujah.

The End of Suffering

2006-03-23T18:55:00.000-08:00

The End of Suffering, by Thich Nhat Hanh

May the sound of this bell penetrate deep into the cosmos
Even in the darkest spots living beings are able to hear it clearly
So that all suffering in them cease,
Understanding comes to their heart
And they transcend the path of sorrow and death.
The universal dharma door is already open
The sound of the rising tide is heard clearly
The miracle happens
A beautiful child appears in the heart of the lotus flower
One single drop of this compassionate water is enough to bring back the refreshing spring to our mountains and rivers.
Listening to the bell I feel the afflictions in me begin to dissolve
My mind calm, my body relaxed
A smile is born on my lips
Following the sound of the bell, my breath brings me back to the safe island of mindfulness
In the garden of my heart,
the flowers of peace bloom beautifully.
in service to spirit.

Let's just ALL forgive!

2006-03-20T19:00:00.000-08:00

.............so just today, I run into Brian Baru and he looks extremely depressed which, now that I remember our relationship 30 years ago - is "normal"for him. He's been through two marriages, business is booming and he still has the sad sack look about him. He doesn't recognize me at first and then, drops to both knees, "God, you are so beautiful!"

We chat about many things, going through at least 20 years of catch up before he realizes that I'm actually there AT his business, FOR business. We take care of that quickly as the next customer pulls up so I get out of my car and we talk more.

Suddenly he stops and blurts out "I'm so sorry. I was such a jerk and all you ever did was love me. I can't believe that I behaved that way. It takes guys until at least 35 to get over themselves. I am so sorry."

Didn't see that one coming which really kind of freaked me out but then it also made me feel like at least he knew the asshole he had turned into at the end of our relationship. I told him that it was all okay and that I still loved him and that life just happens that way and he should get over it. I laughed and said that we most likely would have driven each other crazy and what a blessing in disguise.

I drove off sipping my mocha (he decided I wanted that instead of the vanilla latte I had thought I ordered). As I drove out and into the countryside where we spent our relationship time I started remembering how it really was. I was a full-time student, finally accomplishing what I had intended to do right after high school graduation - interrupted by my father's untimely diagnosis of cancer and subsequent death. My stoic self refused to ask my widowed mother to support me in 4 years of college (I should have not been so prideful/independent/ready to be cut free from any attachment to my parents). Finally, I figured out a way to get my degree in my profession and it was a push. I lived in my most favorite of all houses on the beach right on the Straits of Juan de Fuca. I was "wealthy" beyond reason and had discovered a deep and abiding love for gardening and beekeeping. My first year of nursing school was spent early morning hours shelling the Dungeness crab that we sold to the local restaurant. I couldn't eat crab for years after that!

I was incredibly lucky to have people around me who supported my every move. From the neighbor across the street who would "happen" to have extra grocery money to the other neighbor who took me out for dinner every Thursday night, knowing that I only had one more day of school to get through and knowing that I could have an extra drink that night without fear of forgetting everything I learned that week. There were my college professors who believed in me - believed in their "craft" of education and helped shape me into who I am.

Brian commented this morning - "oh yeah, you were in nursing school and now I remember all of that studying you did all the time. Sure looks like it paid off!" He wants to know if I'm in love or married or if there is anyone important in my life. HOW do I explain that ALL of you guys were/are important in my life? You also shaped who I am. Every one of you and there is NO way I'll ever reveal you to each other.

Just then George drives up - last time we met was in Park City, Utah on the sidewalk late at night, both a bit tipsy from beers and the altitude really helped the buzz. He wants to know if I have to leave so soon and yes, I'm always leaving George too soon. He's one I would keep and our secrets will never be told. You see, neither one of us have anything to apologize for. Just two people having the time of their lives - what can mean more than that???

And for the rest of you - I apologize too. I am sure that the woman I am now would never have left you the way that I did. And for you men of my future - let me just get my apology right out there now!!

Three Generations - women from the 50's

2006-03-14T11:00:00.000-08:00

I have this wonderful photo of my mother, grandmother and me on Easter Sunday taken in my grandmother's rose garden. I am certain that my great-grandmother was in the house because I remember how awe inspiringly old she was at the time. Based on the dress and my age, I suspect this photo is circa 1958. My mother already had birthed 3 babies and I wonder what it is that she is looking towards - the future? My grandmother's vision is directed in the opposite path - towards the past? Is she looking back towards her first born child, Clare who died when Grannie was pregnant with my mom.... I will always wonder what impact that profound grief has had on my mother's life.

Poised between these two women I am the bridge which only has become apparent in recent years. My relationship with my grandmother was very simple - she simply loved and adored me. She was the one who I could tell all my fears as well as fantasies to, knowing that she would accept me. I don't remember her ever disciplining me EXCEPT once during a visit back from my Alaska life. I'd become quite familiar with the use of the F**K word and after the first 24 hours with Grannie, she threatened to wash my mouth out with soap!

I know little about being a mother - only about being a daughter. But I hear from my many friends who are mothers to girls how difficult/devestating/challenging it is. First, I'm told that they are always wrong as mothers and that their daughters steal their clothes or make fun of what the mom's wear. I'm pretty much in alignment with the daughters and find it easy to understand their point of view. My grandmother was easy to be with, my mom, not so much so these days.

2006-03-03T12:06:00.000-08:00

Thoughts on "trips to the alter"..........

OK - truth be told (don't we ALWAYS tell the truth??)...... after two attempts, I've never made that long walk! However, I have hiked/walked in the Himalayas and spent 3 weeks above 10,000 feet. In my mind, that's likely easier than the walk down to the alter!

With my first "attempt", I noticed that I would throw up every time after we would check out a place to get married. Finally, after 10 years off and on (more off than on - hey! Carrie Bradshaw and Big in "sex in the city" have nothing on us) - we finally called it off, well, I called it off and then asked him to stop calling me.

The second "attempt" was really doomed from the start - who was I kidding? and furthermore, what was I thinking of???

With both guys, I would have been wife #3 - again, what in the world was I thinking of???????

I love the photo above. Likely, that's how it would go down for me should it ever happen. But then, I was never one of those girls who stared at BRIDE magazine and dreamed of cooking meatloaf for my husband. My dreams involved great sex, travel and good companionship. And you know, those have all come true!

I'm off to make new dreams now!
Ciao!

2006-02-27T18:11:00.000-08:00

"Nothing that violence achieves is stable. This is a law. Only a wise, loving, patient intelligence can create anything that lasts; only altruism really helps. This is a law too. My definition of altruism is: be wisely selfish and know that your happiness depends on the happiness of those around you and the world in general. If society suffers you will suffer, so love yourself enough to work for the social good."
Dalai Lama