Thursday, March 23, 2006

Perfect Moment

Prayer for You I'm happy to announce that this is a perfect moment. It's a perfect moment for many reasons, but especially because I have been inspired to say a gigantic prayer for all of you. I've been roused to unleash a divinely greedy, apocalyptically healing prayer for each and every one of you -- even those of you who don't believe in the power of prayer. And so I am starting to pray right now to the God of Gods ... the God beyond all Gods ... the Girlfriend of God ... the Teacher of God ... the Goddess who invented God.

Dear Goddess, You who never kill but only change: I pray that my exuberant, suave and accidental words will move you to shower ferocious blessings down on everyone who reads this benediction. I pray that you will give them what they don't even know they want -- not just the boons they think they need but everything they've always been afraid to even imagine or ask for.

Dear Goddess, You wealthy anarchist burning heaven to the ground: Many of the divine chameleons out there don't even know that their souls will live forever. So please use your blinding magic to help them see that they are all wildly creative geniuses too big for their own personalities. Guide them to realize that they are all completely different from what they think they are and more exciting than they can possibly imagine. Make it illegal, immoral, irrelevant, unpatriotic and totally tasteless for them to be in love with anyone or anything that's no good for them.

O Goddess, You who give us so much love and pain mixed together that our morality is always on the verge of collapsing: I beg you to cast a huge-assed love spell that will nullify all the dumb ideas, bad decisions and nasty conditioning that have ever cursed the wise and sexy virtuosos out there. Remove, banish, annihilate and laugh into oblivion any jinx that has clung to them, no matter how long they've suffered from it, and even if they've become accustomed or addicted to its ugly companionship. And please conjure an aura of protection around them so that they will receive an early warning if they are ever about to act in such a way as to bring another hex or plague or voodoo into their lives in the future.

Dear Goddess, sweet Goddess, You sly universal beautiful woman.... Arouse the Wild Woman within them -- even if they're men. And please give them bigger, better, more original sins and wilder, more interesting problems.

Dear Goddess, I pray that you will inspire all the compassionate rascals communing with this prayer to love their enemies just in case their friends turn out to be jerks. Provoke them to throw away or give away all the things they own that encourage them to believe that they are better than anyone else. Show them how much fun it is to brag about what they cannot do and do not have.

Most of all, Goddess, brainwash them with your freedom so that they never love their own pain more than anyone else's pain.

Dear Goddess, You psychedelic mushroom cloud at the center of all our brains: The curiously divine human beings reading this prayer deserve everything they are yearning for and much, much more. So please bless them with lucid dreams while they are wide awake and vacuum cleaners for their magic carpets and a knack for avoiding other people's hells and their very own 900 number so that everyone has to pay to talk to them and a secret admirer who is not a psychotic stalker.

Dear Goddess, You fiercely tender, hauntingly reassuring, orgiastically sacred feeling that is even now running through all of our soft, warm animal bodies: I pray that you provide everyone out there with a license to bend and even break all rules, laws and traditions that keep them apart from the things they love. Show them how to purge the wishy-washy wishes that distract them from their daring, dramatic, divine desires. And teach them that they can have anything they want if they'll only ask for it in an unselfish way.

And now dear God of Gods, God beyond all Gods, Girlfriend of God, Teacher of God, Goddess who invented God, I bring this prayer to a close, trusting that in these mysterious moments you have begun to change everyone out there in the exact way they've needed to change in order to express their soul's code. Amen. Awomen. And glory halle-friggin-lujah.

The End of Suffering

The End of Suffering, by Thich Nhat Hanh

May the sound of this bell penetrate deep into the cosmos
Even in the darkest spots living beings are able to hear it clearly
So that all suffering in them cease,
Understanding comes to their heart
And they transcend the path of sorrow and death.
The universal dharma door is already open
The sound of the rising tide is heard clearly
The miracle happens
A beautiful child appears in the heart of the lotus flower
One single drop of this compassionate water is enough to bring back the refreshing spring to our mountains and rivers.
Listening to the bell I feel the afflictions in me begin to dissolve
My mind calm, my body relaxed
A smile is born on my lips
Following the sound of the bell, my breath brings me back to the safe island of mindfulness
In the garden of my heart,
the flowers of peace bloom beautifully.
in service to spirit.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Let's just ALL forgive! just today, I run into Brian Baru and he looks extremely depressed which, now that I remember our relationship 30 years ago - is "normal"for him. He's been through two marriages, business is booming and he still has the sad sack look about him. He doesn't recognize me at first and then, drops to both knees, "God, you are so beautiful!"

We chat about many things, going through at least 20 years of catch up before he realizes that I'm actually there AT his business, FOR business. We take care of that quickly as the next customer pulls up so I get out of my car and we talk more.

Suddenly he stops and blurts out "I'm so sorry. I was such a jerk and all you ever did was love me. I can't believe that I behaved that way. It takes guys until at least 35 to get over themselves. I am so sorry."

Didn't see that one coming which really kind of freaked me out but then it also made me feel like at least he knew the asshole he had turned into at the end of our relationship. I told him that it was all okay and that I still loved him and that life just happens that way and he should get over it. I laughed and said that we most likely would have driven each other crazy and what a blessing in disguise.

I drove off sipping my mocha (he decided I wanted that instead of the vanilla latte I had thought I ordered). As I drove out and into the countryside where we spent our relationship time I started remembering how it really was. I was a full-time student, finally accomplishing what I had intended to do right after high school graduation - interrupted by my father's untimely diagnosis of cancer and subsequent death. My stoic self refused to ask my widowed mother to support me in 4 years of college (I should have not been so prideful/independent/ready to be cut free from any attachment to my parents). Finally, I figured out a way to get my degree in my profession and it was a push. I lived in my most favorite of all houses on the beach right on the Straits of Juan de Fuca. I was "wealthy" beyond reason and had discovered a deep and abiding love for gardening and beekeeping. My first year of nursing school was spent early morning hours shelling the Dungeness crab that we sold to the local restaurant. I couldn't eat crab for years after that!

I was incredibly lucky to have people around me who supported my every move. From the neighbor across the street who would "happen" to have extra grocery money to the other neighbor who took me out for dinner every Thursday night, knowing that I only had one more day of school to get through and knowing that I could have an extra drink that night without fear of forgetting everything I learned that week. There were my college professors who believed in me - believed in their "craft" of education and helped shape me into who I am.

Brian commented this morning - "oh yeah, you were in nursing school and now I remember all of that studying you did all the time. Sure looks like it paid off!" He wants to know if I'm in love or married or if there is anyone important in my life. HOW do I explain that ALL of you guys were/are important in my life? You also shaped who I am. Every one of you and there is NO way I'll ever reveal you to each other.

Just then George drives up - last time we met was in Park City, Utah on the sidewalk late at night, both a bit tipsy from beers and the altitude really helped the buzz. He wants to know if I have to leave so soon and yes, I'm always leaving George too soon. He's one I would keep and our secrets will never be told. You see, neither one of us have anything to apologize for. Just two people having the time of their lives - what can mean more than that???

And for the rest of you - I apologize too. I am sure that the woman I am now would never have left you the way that I did. And for you men of my future - let me just get my apology right out there now!!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Three Generations - women from the 50's

I have this wonderful photo of my mother, grandmother and me on Easter Sunday taken in my grandmother's rose garden. I am certain that my great-grandmother was in the house because I remember how awe inspiringly old she was at the time. Based on the dress and my age, I suspect this photo is circa 1958. My mother already had birthed 3 babies and I wonder what it is that she is looking towards - the future? My grandmother's vision is directed in the opposite path - towards the past? Is she looking back towards her first born child, Clare who died when Grannie was pregnant with my mom.... I will always wonder what impact that profound grief has had on my mother's life.

Poised between these two women I am the bridge which only has become apparent in recent years. My relationship with my grandmother was very simple - she simply loved and adored me. She was the one who I could tell all my fears as well as fantasies to, knowing that she would accept me. I don't remember her ever disciplining me EXCEPT once during a visit back from my Alaska life. I'd become quite familiar with the use of the F**K word and after the first 24 hours with Grannie, she threatened to wash my mouth out with soap!

I know little about being a mother - only about being a daughter. But I hear from my many friends who are mothers to girls how difficult/devestating/challenging it is. First, I'm told that they are always wrong as mothers and that their daughters steal their clothes or make fun of what the mom's wear. I'm pretty much in alignment with the daughters and find it easy to understand their point of view. My grandmother was easy to be with, my mom, not so much so these days.

Friday, March 03, 2006

Thoughts on "trips to the alter"..........

OK - truth be told (don't we ALWAYS tell the truth??)...... after two attempts, I've never made that long walk! However, I have hiked/walked in the Himalayas and spent 3 weeks above 10,000 feet. In my mind, that's likely easier than the walk down to the alter!

With my first "attempt", I noticed that I would throw up every time after we would check out a place to get married. Finally, after 10 years off and on (more off than on - hey! Carrie Bradshaw and Big in "sex in the city" have nothing on us) - we finally called it off, well, I called it off and then asked him to stop calling me.

The second "attempt" was really doomed from the start - who was I kidding? and furthermore, what was I thinking of???

With both guys, I would have been wife #3 - again, what in the world was I thinking of???????

I love the photo above. Likely, that's how it would go down for me should it ever happen. But then, I was never one of those girls who stared at BRIDE magazine and dreamed of cooking meatloaf for my husband. My dreams involved great sex, travel and good companionship. And you know, those have all come true!

I'm off to make new dreams now!